Okay, so this took longer than I thought:
1) The opening paragraphs are a bit hard to keep up with. Something about the lines and thoughts are a bit more laien than most readers (including me) can identify with. Maybe take a bit more time to explain that particular scene.
2) Can you make it available in something other than a .pdf? While the option is nice, the download time on slow connections is annoying and the way adobe jumps from one page to another makes it hard to read the last couple of paragraphs on each page.
3) You introduc the tech pretty well. I had a good grasp of what a gaiajack is as well as the weaponry from your descriptions. Nicely done.
4) Though I am as bad an offender as anyone... spellcheck.
5) You have Sally use "shall" in at least one spot while she is angry at Lawgo. It sounds a bit akward... as if she were high society. I would go back and try to unify the language she uses to help give a better perception of her personality.
6) Your conversations do a good job adding humanism to the Lawgo character.
7) Lawgo. For a police officer it sounds a bit... wrong. Maybe it is the "Law" part of his name that seems weird.
You do an excellent job of creating a sense that all the high technology in the ICAR-verse is endemic and common. I like this... a lot. The characters are all comfortable with the tech and use it in such a way as to help describe their utility to the reader.
Okay, so I am about 1/2 done and got to run off to dinner. I will post more tomorrow.
Oh, and Rob, if you have anything else you would like to see comments on- feel free to post it here or at least leave a link. I would like to see more.
Posted: Tue Jun 01, 2004 3:33 am