jokes

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in
the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replies. "I work for the IRS."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door. She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down.

We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, [the complainer] said, "OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks."

My husband and my vet don't like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor's office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive.

He looked straight at my husband, "Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" And he closed the door.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

After attending the funeral of a Texas mouse killed by an
eighty year old lady with a broom, three mice, one from Minnesota, one from Iowa and one from Wisconsin, are sitting at a bar trying to impress each other with how tough they are.

The Minnesota mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty
glass onto the bar, turns to the Iowa mouse and says, "When I see a
mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The Iowa mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one
after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the
Minnesota mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The Minnesota mouse and the Iowa mouse then turn to the Wisconsin
mouse.

The Wisconsin mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets
out a long sigh and says to the two, "I don't have time for this
bullshit. I gotta go home and have sex with the cat."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Maybe you guys have heard this one.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them...

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

For Jeremy.

A man and woman are standing at the altar, about to be married, when the
bride-to-be looks at her prospective groom and sees that he has a set of
golf clubs with him.

"What on earth are you doing with those golf clubs in church?" she whispers.

"Well," he says, "this isn't going to take all afternoon, is it?"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double
martini on the rocks After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt
pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all Night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her
objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and
wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the
top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

He'd shown her his etchings and just about everything else of interest in his apartment, and as Jack poured the last martinis into their glasses, he realized that the moment of truth with Louise had arrived. He decided on the direct verbal attack.

"Tell me," he said smoothly, fingering a lock of her hair, "do you object to making love?"

She turned her lovely eyes up to his. "That's something I've never done," she said.

"Never made love?" cried Jack, appalled at the waste of magnificent raw material.

"No, silly," she said in soft rebuke. "Never objected".

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

With this one I reach the century mark in posts. (clap)

Q: Do you know the difference between a strip tease artist and an acrobatical dancer?

A: An acrobatical dancer is a cunning stunt....