jokes

[General Lee]

Yeah, I bet you are getting these all from memory.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Never question my ability to memorize jokes. On that note, here is another one.

A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming" He followed her into her apartment, she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "what would you say is my best feature"? Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears" Astounded, and a little hurt she asked "my ears? Look at these breasts, they are full and 100% natural I work out every day, my butt is firm and solid,look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears? Clearing his throat, he stammered "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A study in Wisconsin showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to a man with rugged masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple and a bat jammed up his rear while he is onfire. Further studies are expected.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A man walks into a bar with an Ostrich and a Cat and orders 3 beers, the
barman says: "that'll be $6.00 please".
With that the cat yells out " IM NOT PAYING FOR THAT !!" so the man reaches into his pocket an slaps $6.00 onto the counter.
Next day they walk into the bar again, the man orders 3 beers and 3 hot
dogs, the barman says ' that'll be $12.00 thanks'' the cat yells out " IM
NOT PAYING FOR THAT !!". So the man reaches into his pocket and slaps $12.00 onto the counter.
Next day they walk in again and the barman says to the man , ' you've come
in here a few times now and each time you've had the exact change !! how
come?
The man replies,' Well I found this Jeanni and he granted me 3 wishes, I
wished for a pocket with the right change for whatever I wanted, whether it
be drink, food, houses, cars etc.
'Great' replied the barman .. what else
did u wish for?
"Well'' said the man that's where I fucked up. I wished for a long legged
bird with a tight pussy!!

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

What is the difference between a dog on the back porch howling and a woman on the front porch screaming and yelling?

When you let the dog in it shuts up!

.....Rimshot anyone? My girfriend doesn't think it's very funny. Dumb bitch.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."
She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doin it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo and reading the newspaper. She gets completely upset.
“You bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!"
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours inVietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "That counts in your favor. Do you have any service-related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion removed my private parts so they declared me disabled, it
doesn't
affect
my ability to work, though."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good
news for you, I can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in about
10, and we'll get you started."
The guy says, "If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your coming in for that"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

If you had bought $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be
worth $49.00. With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of the original
$1,000.00. With Worldcom, you would have less than $5.00 left. If you
had bought $1,000.00 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one
year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent
deposit, you would have $214.00. Based on the above, my current
investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.