We could always use a blonde joke.
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great
seats right behind the bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked
it," she said, "especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles,
but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What on earth do you mean?"
"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the
game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"
jokes
by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 4:20 pm
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't, know where to start." We will then drink a beer.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as, much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
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by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 4:21 pm
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hickups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!"
"What the heck did you do that for!?!" the man screams.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore do you?"
The man says, "No I don't, you IDIOT... But my wife out in the car still does!"
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
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by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 4:23 pm
I love naked ladies.
An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years.
He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area,
For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together.
As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole
and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearence.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay
a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing.
As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."
An old farmer had owned a large farm for many years.
He had a huge man-made pond out back with a beautiful picnic area,
For years it was the perfect place to unwind or hold a family get together.
As the farmer grew older, his "Oasis" was used less and less. It eventually became the local swimming hole
and while his neighbors occasionally took advantage of the pond, he rarely made an appearence.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond. He hadn't been there in a while and felt the urge to pay
a visit to check on things. As he neared the pond, he heard loud playful voices giggling and laughing.
As he came closer he was astonished to see that a bunch of young women had decided to skinny dip in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
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- Location: Austin, Texas
by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 4:29 pm
These are all series of questions asked in court and their respective answers. This is also why I just decided that I want to be a lawyer.
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
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by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 4:40 pm
Rules Men Wish Women Knew
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if he can find the perfect present, again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Don't ask him what he's thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lent, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
9. Dogs are better than ANY cats. Period.
10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11. Shopping is not sport.
12. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13. You have enough clothes.
14. You have too many shoes.
15. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
16. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too.
17. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20. Most guys own two to three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
21. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
22. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
23. Your Mom doesn't have to be our best friend.
24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25. Check your oil.
26. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.
27. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
29. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
30. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done not both.
35. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
36. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
37. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
38. Consider Golf a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
39. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
40. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
41. Anyone can buy condoms.
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
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- Posts: 328
- Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 7:06 pm
- Location: Austin, Texas
by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 4:47 pm
Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had three biker babes at once, & I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer & takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" & says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist & pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is black & blue with the skin hanging off in some places.
Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on
your dick while it's in that condition?"
Crash says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer & takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" & says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"
The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist & pulls down his pants.
The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is black & blue with the skin hanging off in some places.
Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on
your dick while it's in that condition?"
Crash says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
- Howler
- Posts: 328
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- Location: Austin, Texas
by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 4:49 pm
A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it
true what Rita just told me ..... Babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear." Replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up, and she wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won't it
knock my teeth out?"
true what Rita just told me ..... Babies come out of the same place where
boys put their thingies?"
"Yes, dear." Replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come
up, and she wouldn't have to explain it in detail to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager, "won't it
knock my teeth out?"
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
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- Location: Austin, Texas
by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 4:52 pm
A modern day cowboy has spent many days
crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand,certain that he has
breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees
anobject sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand,
and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service
ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work.
You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man, "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation,
and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute,
and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful
oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with
jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says..
"I wish that no matter where I go,
beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached.
crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand,certain that he has
breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees
anobject sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand,
and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service
ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work.
You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man, "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation,
and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute,
and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful
oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with
jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says..
"I wish that no matter where I go,
beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything,
there's going to be a string attached.
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
- Howler
- Posts: 328
- Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 7:06 pm
- Location: Austin, Texas
by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 4:55 pm
Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of
her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to
get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know
anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating
for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their
first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a
pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts
you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in
mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same
scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his
birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this .... a black condom?"
He
replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Sly bastard!
her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to
get back into the world. Finally, Karen says she'd go out, but didn't know
anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies: "Mom! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating
for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. Their
first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a
pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: "Why the black panties?" She replies: "My breasts
you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in
mourning."
He knows he's not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same
scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his
birthday suit ... except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: "What's with this .... a black condom?"
He
replies: "I want to offer my deepest condolences."
Sly bastard!
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
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- Posts: 328
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- Location: Austin, Texas
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