I've just finished part one of a novel I am writing called Tomorrow's Keeper. It's set in the universe and begins with someone who remembers nothing about himself.
Comments and Critique welcome!
Tomorrow's Keeper (Icar Novel Part 1)
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by Praetorian » Sun Jun 20, 2004 8:01 am
Okay, so this took longer than I thought:
1) The opening paragraphs are a bit hard to keep up with. Something about the lines and thoughts are a bit more laien than most readers (including me) can identify with. Maybe take a bit more time to explain that particular scene.
2) Can you make it available in something other than a .pdf? While the option is nice, the download time on slow connections is annoying and the way adobe jumps from one page to another makes it hard to read the last couple of paragraphs on each page.
3) You introduc the tech pretty well. I had a good grasp of what a gaiajack is as well as the weaponry from your descriptions. Nicely done.
4) Though I am as bad an offender as anyone... spellcheck.
5) You have Sally use "shall" in at least one spot while she is angry at Lawgo. It sounds a bit akward... as if she were high society. I would go back and try to unify the language she uses to help give a better perception of her personality.
6) Your conversations do a good job adding humanism to the Lawgo character.
7) Lawgo. For a police officer it sounds a bit... wrong. Maybe it is the "Law" part of his name that seems weird.
You do an excellent job of creating a sense that all the high technology in the ICAR-verse is endemic and common. I like this... a lot. The characters are all comfortable with the tech and use it in such a way as to help describe their utility to the reader.
Okay, so I am about 1/2 done and got to run off to dinner. I will post more tomorrow.
Oh, and Rob, if you have anything else you would like to see comments on- feel free to post it here or at least leave a link. I would like to see more.
1) The opening paragraphs are a bit hard to keep up with. Something about the lines and thoughts are a bit more laien than most readers (including me) can identify with. Maybe take a bit more time to explain that particular scene.
2) Can you make it available in something other than a .pdf? While the option is nice, the download time on slow connections is annoying and the way adobe jumps from one page to another makes it hard to read the last couple of paragraphs on each page.
3) You introduc the tech pretty well. I had a good grasp of what a gaiajack is as well as the weaponry from your descriptions. Nicely done.
4) Though I am as bad an offender as anyone... spellcheck.
5) You have Sally use "shall" in at least one spot while she is angry at Lawgo. It sounds a bit akward... as if she were high society. I would go back and try to unify the language she uses to help give a better perception of her personality.
6) Your conversations do a good job adding humanism to the Lawgo character.
7) Lawgo. For a police officer it sounds a bit... wrong. Maybe it is the "Law" part of his name that seems weird.
You do an excellent job of creating a sense that all the high technology in the ICAR-verse is endemic and common. I like this... a lot. The characters are all comfortable with the tech and use it in such a way as to help describe their utility to the reader.
Okay, so I am about 1/2 done and got to run off to dinner. I will post more tomorrow.
Oh, and Rob, if you have anything else you would like to see comments on- feel free to post it here or at least leave a link. I would like to see more.
Chris
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by Praetorian » Tue Jun 22, 2004 8:24 pm
There is more to come Rob. I liked the story a good deal and think it deserves a bit more attention. If you keep pumping out some more quality fiction like this Rob, I think Icar will make a name for itself.
Chris
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by Rob Lang » Tue Jun 29, 2004 3:05 am
Thanks Henry, that's very kind. I should really have let someone do a quick spell check of it before I released it for general consumption. You live and learn! 
I see what you mean by the run-on sentances, I shall watch out for those.
I see what you mean by the run-on sentances, I shall watch out for those.
Rob Lang
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