jokes

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them totally confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the men had black penises, but the one seated in the middle, had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized the confused couple were having trouble with interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on and on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the
sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis reflects the cultural and sociological
oppression expressed by gay men in a contemporary society".
After the curator left, a Scotsman man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the Gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there is no African-American representation at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Questions and answers about women

Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

Q. What's the difference between a paycheck and your dick?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your check.

Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. It's Braille for "suck here".

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Q. What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
A. Lipstick.

Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q. Why did the army send so many women with PMS to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.

Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes of silence.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'"
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, "No shit...what happened next?

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A nine year old boy asks his mother, "Is God male or female?"
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, "Well God is both male and female."
This confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God black or white?"
"Well," she says, "God is both black and white."
This really confuses the boy, so he asks, "Is God gay or straight?"
Feeling a bit out of her depth, but wanting to be consistent, the mother answers, "Honey, God is both gay and straight."
At this the boy's face lights up with understanding and he triumphantly asks...
"Is Michael Jackson God?"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

In a School science class four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in alcohol --- dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke --- dead.

The third worm in sperm --- dead.

The fourth worm in soil --- alive.

So the science teacher asked the class --- "What can you learn from this experiment."
Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said. "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A woman wakes up in the middle of the night and niticed that her husband isn't in bed anymore.
She gets up and goes down to check out where he is. She finds him staring at the wall, tears in his eyes.
She askes: "what's going on, darling?"
After a while he answers: " Do you remember the first time we had sex in the back of my car and your father caught us?"
"Yes !" she answers. "Do you remember the fact that he putted a barrel of a gun in my mouth and said : Or you marry my daughter or you go to prison for at least 20 years !!!"
"Yes, I still remember" answers his wife, emotioned by his romantic memories.
"Well" he says, " today I would have been free... "

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A man walked into a bar. There, he saw a beautiful, smartly dressed woman perched on a bar stool. Approaching her he said, "Hello there gorgeous. How are you?"
Having already had a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen! I'll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere, your place, my place, front door, back door, it
doesn't matter. I've been doing it since I got out of college. I just flat ass love it."
Eyes wide with interest, he said, "No kidding? I'm a lawyer too! What firm are you with?"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
"But we didn't use them," the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."
"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."
"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.
"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."