[Marshmallow Pony Adventures] Made a Breakthrough

[Onix]

I downloaded the game. I can't pretend that this is my setting of choice (maybe my daughter would be interested she's a big horse fan) but I'll take a look. It'll be a day or two before I can get a read through.

[junejazz]

[Onix]

Ok, reading through. These are some suggestions, I got the same kind of feedback with SPF and it helped a lot to hone what I was trying to say.

I like the tools of the trade section but it might be better if moved to after the Rolling Dice section. Personal preference. You might want to add more definitions like what an aspect is, what a skill is, what a GM is because these terms are used but not explained.

I think the disclaimer language in the Rolling Dice section should go. Things like "Don't worry though, it’s not as chaotic as it might seem at first." and "Throwing the bones every time a character wants to chew their food or open an unlocked door is hardly fun." You're either talking to people that play RPGs and this is not needed or potentially confusing a new player with bad examples before you've explained what the dice do. New players need to have the good example given to them first and then told how not to use the tools you've just explained.

In the Production Bible section and throughout, think about how a Marshmallow Pony would explain this subject. Just because you're using the Fate system, you don't have to use all the same descriptions. For example you could call the "Production Bible" a Map to the Sugar Bowl then have a box that explains the official terms and how they map to the MPA terms. Use simple saturday morning cartoon language (about a forth grade reading level) and it will go a long way to keeping the feel of the game consistent. We're swinging between cute silliness and highly cerebral and it's a little jarring.

I would switch chapter three and two because you need to do chapter three to fill in the production bible. The introduction of the types of aspects is also an important concept that needs to be explained first. Instead of listing Free: twice, simply state that the characters get two free aspects of their own design. I think this section is still in the process of being written? Refresh is stated but there is nothing on how it is determined. There's also nothing on how many Skill Points a character starts with.

I would swap out the word "combat" for "trouble" I can't quite wrap my head around a MP in combat, I can imagine one in trouble. Yes they may occasionally be hurt, but they're probably rarely swinging blades at each other or firing guns.

In general, there are a lot of specific terms that are introduced but not defined as they are introduced which makes understanding what's going on difficult. If a reader already knows the FATE system, they'll know what's going on, but if they're new to RPGs or just to FATE, it's tough to understand.

[junejazz]