jokes

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

An elderly woman was looking for a pet to be a good companion and not too much trouble. The pet store owner suggested a parrot, showed it to her, and guaranteed it would be a wonderful companion.
The woman asked it it would behave if she took it to church with her on Sundays. The owner said it shouldn't be a problem and that she could put him on her shoulder and he would stay there. She bought the parrot and for the next week spent time getting to know him. Assured that he spoke properly and was well-behaved, she put him on her shoulder and went off to church.
Just as everyone was quieted down and the sermon began, the parrot looked around, squawked, and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Everyone turned around to look at her and she ran out of the church in total embarassment.
All the next week she talked to the parrot, explaining the necessity to remain quiet during church services. The parrot understood so next Sunday she put him on her shoulder and went to church. Once again, just as everything got quiet and the sermon began, the parrot squawked, looked around, and said, "It's goddamned cold in here!!" Again the woman ran out of the church.
The next day she returned to the pet store and explained the embarassing situation to the owner. Since she didn't want to get rid of the parrot, the owner offered the following solution to her,,,,"If the parrot does that again, grab him by both legs and swing him around 5 or 6 times, then return him to your shoulder".
"That'll work?", asked the woman.
"Guaranteed!", exclaimed the owner.
So, the next Sunday she took the parrot to church and. sure enough, just as the sermon started, the parrot squawked, "It's goddamned cold in here!!". Without hesistation, the woman grabbed his legs and swung him around half a dozen times and returned him to her shoulder.
A second later the parrot shook his head and said, "It's pretty fuckin' windy, too!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A woman is in a coma. The Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she touches her. They go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband is sceptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Besides it's worth a try!! The hubby finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lines...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, and says, "I think she choked!!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window ~ It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh yes!" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free!"
Another runner moved a long side. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
Oh , yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, "Do you always wear a condom when you run? "
"Nope.........just when it's raining.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your
captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Joe sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?"
When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's the box office."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Guy is in a bar and strikes up a conversation with a dumb blond.
"I'm curious, do you smoke after making love?" he asks.
She replies, "I dunno.....I've never looked"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were
pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an 80,000 mortgage and no transportation."

[mekara48]

Tiny that last one was great!

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "Once, upon a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. "So, I approached the largest and most
heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground."
I yelled, "Now, back! off!! Or you'll answer to me!"

St. Peter was impressed, but said: "We don't show any record of this - when did all this happen?"

"Oh....Just a couple minutes ago."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

An oriental couple, who owned a chinese restaurant, were fast asleep, when all of a sudden the wife sits bolt upright in bed and exclaims, "I want a number 69, RIGHT NOW!!!"
Her husband wearily looks at her and queries, "Ahhh - why you want beef with broccoli this time a night???"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]