jokes

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Anthony 1 French People 0

London,
The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog.
The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?"
The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans..You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"
The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.
Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired."
The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant."
The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.
The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier.
An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Only because I like letting out my jokes in bulk.

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women


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[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A lonely frog telephoned the Psychic Hotline and asked what his future
holds. His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a
beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog is thrilled, "This is great! "Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.

"No," says the psychic, "in biology class."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Here is a thought to ponder for all of you who can get girls. Sorry Daniel.

Nothing in the world is more expensive than a woman who's totally free for
the weekend!

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Q: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?

A: Most of the time you simply get an onion with long ears, but every once in a while, you luck out and get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A Marine stationed in Iraq recently received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:


Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great.
I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you. Love,
Becky



The Marine, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow Marines for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters,
ex-girlfriends, aunts, cousins etc. In addition to the picture of
Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures of the pretty gals he had
collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope....along with this note:



Dear Becky,


I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your
picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.


Take Care,

Ricky

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.


He had finished the book by the time he reached his house. The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that 'I' am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The fucking funeral director," said his wife.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a
family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she
tells
her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her
husband responds,"
They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about
his
hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could
dispute
that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would
recognize
any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole
he
would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the
animal.
The
hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the
drinks,
and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin.
After
feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the
bullet
hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.
They brought
him
another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit
longer
this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right
again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every
time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of
his
mind,and went to sleep.
The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell
of
a
shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not
drunk
enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this
blackeye?"
His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into
bed
and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and
loudly
announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."