jokes

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

I love puns.

A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says they don't serve pieces of string in his bar.
The piece of string leaves, goes into the alley and begins to unwind and twist himself all over.
He then goes back to the bartender who says "Hey, aren't you the same piece of string that was in here a minute ago?"

The piece of string says, "No, I'm a freyed not."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello,
sir, how are you?"
"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.
"Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.
Goldie persisted. "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket on to hers, tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Juicetyger]

wrong

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?"

The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!"

"Hmmm," he replies. "It must be your feet, then."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

President George W. Bush was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.
"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."
"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."
"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."
"Gosh, and the good news?"
"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Now I'm doing my best to educate and stimulate your minds.

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls
over and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Like I said earlier, I love puns.

Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

One turns to the other and says: "Dam"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

I also love to laugh at old people.

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy isn't it?". Second one says, "No its Thursday!". Third one says, "So am I! Let's go get a beer!".

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So's the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, "Son, what happened last night?"
His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."
Confused, Bill asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, "Lady leave me alone, I'm married'!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Stupid Aggies, ruining it for the rest of us.

A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's
breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the
fabric when cold weather sets in.

At a news conference announcing the invention the scientist was taken
outside by a large group of cowboys and had the shit kicked out of him