jokes

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

WOMEN

Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry
children, they carry hardships, they carry
burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing
when they want to cry. They cry when they are
happy, and laugh when they are nervous. Women
wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from
a friend, after a snowy drive home. They are
child care workers, executives, attorneys,
stay-at-home moms, biker babes, and your
neighbors. They wear suits, jeans, and they wear
uniforms.

They fight for what they believe in. They stand
up against injustice. They go to the doctor with
a frightened friend. Women are honest, loyal, and
forgiving. They are smart-they know that
knowledge is power. But they still know how to
use their softer side to make a point. Women want
to be the best for their family, their friends,
and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend
dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family
member, yet they are strong when they think there
is no strength left. A woman can make a romantic
evening unforgettable. Women come in all sizes,
in all colors and shapes. They live in houses,
apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run
or e-mail you to show how much they care about
you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world
spin. Women do more than just give birth. They
bring joy and hope. They give compassion and
ideals. They give moral support to their family
and friends. And all they want in return is a
hug, a smile, and for you to do the same for
people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing
spiders...

Not me though, I can also do the robot and a handstand for 6 minutes.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

WHAT HALLMARK DOESN'T PRINT

1. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the
bright side, it's really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the
tire... I noticed your cat. Sorry!

3, Heard your wife left you, How upset you must be. But don't fret
about it... She moved in with me.

4. Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder? What the hell was I thinking?

5. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your
husband.

6. How could two people as beautiful as you... Have such an ugly
baby?

7. I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After
having met you ... I've changed my mind.

8. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life... I never
believed in Hell till I met you.

9. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... That you're not
here to ruin it for me.

10.Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go ... would you
like to take this knife out of my back? You'll probably need it again.

11.Someday I hope to get married. But not to you.

12.Happy birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike!

13.When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that
we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

14.We have been friends for a very long time... what say we stop?

15.I'm so miserable without you .... it's almost like you're here.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a
time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.
The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend
weekends with him, and the advice he used to give! Much was wasted
because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his gems
of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grand fatherly advice, came when he paused, looked
me in the eye and said .... "Don't marry a woman with big hands. It makes your pecker look smaller."

Unfortunately for me, all it takes is a woman with hands.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A man and his wife go to bed on their wedding anniversary, he whispers to
her, “Can we try something kinky tonight”? She turns to look at him and
asks, “What do you have in mind”? He says “Can I put my cock in your ear”?
She replied “But it might make me go deaf”, her husband said “Well I’ve been
coming in your mouth for the last 20 years and it hasn’t stopped you
talking”!

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident".. I just lost it."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in process. A sign read:"Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out his huge member and smashed all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw the faded sign for the same circus and the same sign "Don't Miss The Amazing Scotsman". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time,however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.The Scotsman stood before them, then suddenly lifted his kilt and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Scotsman. "But I have to know something.You're older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Scot, "Me eyes are nae whit they used to be!!."

I use mine to break womens wills.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

And with that last joke my friends, I have officially gained a new rank. That was all I really wanted. And now I have it. I don't think I know enough jokes for the next rank, I guess I'm just gonna have to start thinking of some stuff to say.

[General Lee]

You should keep the jokes coming because most of them are pretty good. I would hate to be let down because I don't have my daily jokes.

[napalm]

yes, ending so soon would put me in a deep depression.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Ok, I'll work on getting some more, but my memory is only so good.