One day the Lord came to Adam and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news."
Adam said, "Well, give me the good news first." The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?" The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time."
jokes
by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 4:58 pm
A well-known religious truth to us Catholics right here.
There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian
church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were
predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a
position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the
squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town.
Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most
effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
There were three country churches in a small Texas town: the Presbyterian
church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.
One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were
predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.
The Methodist group got together and decided that they were not in a
position to harm any of God's creations. So, they humanely trapped the
squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town.
Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the Catholics who were able to come up with the best and most
effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
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- Location: Austin, Texas
by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 5:00 pm
The new Marine Captain was assigned to a recon company in a remote post in
the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept
there.
Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no
women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges. That's why we have
the camel,sir.
"The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own
urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his
pants, and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First
Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
No sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."
All of you would have done the same you sick bastards.
the desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up
behind the mess tent. He asks the First Sergeant why the camel is kept
there.
Well, sir," is the reply, "as you know, there are 250 men here and no
women. And sir, sometimes the men have ... urges. That's why we have
the camel,sir.
"The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand
about urges, so the camel can stay."
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own
urges, and asks the First Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his
pants, and has sex with the camel. When he is done, he asks the First
Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
No sir," the First Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town."
All of you would have done the same you sick bastards.
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
- Howler
- Posts: 328
- Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 7:06 pm
- Location: Austin, Texas
by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 5:01 pm
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his
buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba," said Jimmy Joe, "where'd you get that truck?"
"Bobbi Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" said
his skeptical friend.
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on
County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road, put the
truck into 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck,
got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So, I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you are one smart man!" said Jimmy Joe. "Them clothes woulda never
fit you."
I don't think I could sleep with a girl named Bobbi Sue either.
buddy Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin.
"Bubba," said Jimmy Joe, "where'd you get that truck?"
"Bobbi Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied.
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new truck?" said
his skeptical friend.
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on
County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbi Sue pulled off the road, put the
truck into 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck,
got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.'
So, I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you are one smart man!" said Jimmy Joe. "Them clothes woulda never
fit you."
I don't think I could sleep with a girl named Bobbi Sue either.
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
- Howler
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- Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 7:06 pm
- Location: Austin, Texas
by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 5:03 pm
It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better... Just thought you'd like to know.
That may have been a reach, sorry guys.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better... Just thought you'd like to know.
That may have been a reach, sorry guys.
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
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by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 5:05 pm
Maybe you guys have heard this one, but I always thought it was funny.
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 4 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find cop with a radar gun on the other side Laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
While I was "flying" down the road yesterday (i.e. 4 mph over the limit), I passed over a bridge only to find cop with a radar gun on the other side Laying in wait. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 foot wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge....."
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
- Howler
- Posts: 328
- Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 7:06 pm
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by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 5:07 pm
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, “Hey,why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’texplain.”
“So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her
left leg and kicked it over.”
“That’s not so bad,what’s the big deal?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened?” the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.”
“Again?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked, intrigued.
“I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what else did you do?” the man asked again. “
Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in…”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’texplain.”
“So what happened that is so horrible?” the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, “Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her
left leg and kicked it over.”
“That’s not so bad,what’s the big deal?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened?” the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.”
“Again?”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So, what did you do then?” the man asked, intrigued.
“I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Wow, you must have been pretty upset!” but that’s no reason to just sit here getting all depressed.”
The farmer says, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So then what else did you do?” the man asked again. “
Well I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That’s when my pants fell down and my wife walked in…”
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
- Howler
- Posts: 328
- Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 7:06 pm
- Location: Austin, Texas
by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 5:09 pm
A woman went to a pet shop and immediately
spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a
sign on the cage that read $50.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house
of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty
vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she
had to have the bird anyway. She took it home
and hung the bird's cage up in her living room,
and waited for it to say something.
The bird carefully looked around the room, then it
looked at her and said, "New house ... new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought, "That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from
school the parrot looked at both of them, and said,
"New house ... new madam ... new hookers."
The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began
to laugh about the whole situation.
She then began to think about how to explain this
to Keith, her husband. Moments later, the woman's husband came home
from work. Before he had time to close the door,
the bird took one look at him and said, "Hi Keith."
spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a
sign on the cage that read $50.
"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should
tell you first ... that this bird used to live in a house
of prostitution, and sometimes he says some pretty
vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she
had to have the bird anyway. She took it home
and hung the bird's cage up in her living room,
and waited for it to say something.
The bird carefully looked around the room, then it
looked at her and said, "New house ... new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
but then thought, "That's not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from
school the parrot looked at both of them, and said,
"New house ... new madam ... new hookers."
The girls were at first a bit offended, but then began
to laugh about the whole situation.
She then began to think about how to explain this
to Keith, her husband. Moments later, the woman's husband came home
from work. Before he had time to close the door,
the bird took one look at him and said, "Hi Keith."
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
- Howler
- Posts: 328
- Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 7:06 pm
- Location: Austin, Texas
by TinyHandsTinyKnots » Thu May 06, 2004 5:12 pm
Here are some quickies to end this installment of jokes, hope you guys are enjoying what I'm doing.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. BEAT IT - we're closed.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. BEAT IT - we're closed.
Q. What's the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q. What's the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q. What's another name for pickled bread?
A. Dill-dough.
Q. What's the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
Reverend Anthony J. Lee
- TinyHandsTinyKnots
- Howler
- Posts: 328
- Joined: Tue Apr 13, 2004 7:06 pm
- Location: Austin, Texas
by General Lee » Fri May 07, 2004 2:29 am
Those were pretty good. I liked the one about the Catholic squirrels the best.
Jeremy
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