jokes

[mekara48]

LOL man i loved the 6 foot cop one an the squirrel one man those are great!!

[mekara48]

Ok ive got one, i know a couple of you have herd this one but i love it.


There was this farmer that had a farm and had a few cows an was ready to start having calves, so he went out shopping for some bulls. He came across this one farmer that had this prize bull really cheap so he bought him. after about a month noticing that the bull had no interest in the cows the farmer became extremly made an went back to the guy that he bought the bull from an began to yell at him accusing him of selling him a gay bull. The man than said all you have to do is rub your two fingers in the cows pussy than rub those fingers under the bulls nose. So the farmer went home an went to one of the cows an did as the man said a sure enough the bull was goin crazy, going around f****** everything in site from the cows to the pigs. So the farmer thought to himself, man if that worked that well for the bull maybe it will work for him. That night after his wife fell asleep he snuck up to there room crawled slowly into bed, reached over an rubbed his finger throw her pussy, than whiped his fingers under his nose, a few minutes later he started to crazy wanting his wife more than ever so he shuck her awake. She than leaned over an turned on the lamp an said you woke me up for a bloody nose....

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Ok, I'm back.

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young punk walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man just stared. Every time the punk looked, the old man was staring at him.
The punk finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter, old timer?Never done anything wild in your life?" Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just
wondering if you were my son."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Every Saturday morning he's going fishing. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat and off he goes...all day long.

Well, one Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck and down the driveway he goes.

Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."
To which she sleepily replies.................

"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

I was out walking around in in the desert, and saw a group of guys castrating camels. The way they did this was to back the camels up to a guy holding two bricks. The guy holding the bricks would then smash the camel's balls between them. After recovering from the sympathetic pain in my own crotch, I walked over to the guy holding the bricks. I asked him, "Shit, man, doesn't that hurt?!" He said, "Not really, as long as you keep your thumbs out of the way."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

The other night I walked into a bar, got a beer and sat down in front of the window next to a guy who was crying. I figured I would try to cheer him up a little, so I asked him why he was crying.

He said, "Look out that window. Do you see all of those streets out there? I built them, all of them, with my bare hands. But do they call me 'BOB - The Street Builder?' no..."

"Now, look out that window. Do you see those docks, down on the river? I built them, all of them, with my bare hands. But do they call me 'BOB - The Dock Builder?' no..."

"And over there. Do you see that beautiful neighborhood? All those wonderful houses? I built those too. All of them, with my bare hands. But do they call me 'BOB - The Home Builder?' no...

"BUT YOU FUCK ONE GOAT!!!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

One day, this guy spotted a friend he hadn’t seen and years. He calls out to him, “hey Pete how ya doing?” Well Pete looks at the guy and says, “don’t call me Pete, call me lucky.” His friend asked him why the name change, and Lucky asked him if he remember that terrible plane crash a couple of years earlier? His friend said that he did. “Well”, Lucky says, “I was the only survivor.” His friend says, “I guess you have the right to call yourself Lucky after that.” So off they go on their separate ways.

A year later the same two men run into each other again. The friend calls out, “hey Lucky how ya doing?” To which Lucky replies “don’t call me Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky.” His friend again asks about the name. Well Lucky Lucky goes on to ask if he remember the train crash that had taken place just a few months earlier, and the friend said the he indeed did remember that accident, Well says Lucky Lucky, “ I was able to walk away without even a scratch.” Again the friend made comment about his luck and the parted company again.

About three weeks later, the friend spots Lucky Lucky again. This time Lucky Lucky is limping. The friend greets him. “Hey Lucky Lucky, what has happen to you? Has you luck run out?” “First off, don’t call me Lucky Lucky, call me Lucky Lucky Lucky.” His friend wants to know how that can be since he’s walking with a limp. Oh Lucky Lucky Lucky, kind of smiles to himself and tells his friend that the other night he was up in his girlfriend’s apartment having a wild time, doing the wild thing. When the neighbor downstairs, who was cleaning his gun accidentally, fired the rifle. The bullet came through the floor, up through the mattress, and shot his left testicle off. His friend was amazed has to how he could call himself Lucky Lucky Lucky. “I’ll tell you why I call myself that. Had it been five minutes earlier, it would have hit me right between the eyes.”

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

More for the Texas crowd than anything else.

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large."

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows."

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those?"

The Aussie, fed up with the Texan's bragging replies with an incredulous look, "What, don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas?"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A school headmaster had interviewed, and offered a job to a lady teacher called Miss Franny.
He was a bit concerned about introducing her to the whole school at assembly, in case he pronounced her name wrongly. So, all weekend, he kept repeating this reminder to himself - a woman's thing with an r in it, a woman's thing with an r in it, a woman's thing with an r in it, and so on.
Come Monday morning at assembly, the headmaster stands up in front of the whole school and says:
Good morning children, I'd like to introduce your new English teacher - Miss Crunt !

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A man took his wife to the State Fair and one of the exhibits is that of breeding bulls.

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife poked her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked a little further and saw another pen with a sign that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife hit her husband and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked further and a third pen had a bull with a sign saying, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife got really excited and said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go up and ask him if it was with the same cow."