jokes

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

This guy is in the car and his wife is driving on the wrong side of the road, he shouts "Move over your on the wrong side of the road".

She replied "You don't have to shout like that, they can't hear you anyway".

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

The manager of the liquor board gets a phone call at 8 pm. "At what time do you open tomorrow?" asked the caller.

"At nine," he answered.

The phone rings at midnight "What time do you open ... in the morning?"

"At nine".

The phone rings at 4 in the morning "Whatt tim do ya openn in the mornin?"

"I told you before at nine".

"Imm just inn aa hury cause i got locked in tha stor las nite".

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Doctor to patient: "Do you like to drink, smoke, and play around with women?"

"Yes doctor," replied the patient.

"You should abstain, and do you like eat steaks, potatoes, etc".

"Well yes," said the patient.

"You should do it with moderation," said the doctor.

"Will I live longer" asked the patient "if I do all that?".

"No," replied the doctor "but it will seem to be longer".


And on top of that, who would want to live longer without sex, meat and potatoes?

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Continuing on the last one's theme.

These three very old looking men at the old folks home were talking, one says; "When I was young my father told me that if I wanted to live a long time, not to drink, smoke, or fool around with women. That is what I have done. I am 83 and still feel young".

The second one more slowly said that he too had been told the same thing by his father and he also had heeded his father's warning. "And I am 87 and still feel young".

The third one said: "It was just the opposite with me, my father told me if I wanted to have fun in life, to drink, smoke, and fool around with women. That is what I have always done, and I still feel".

How old are you asked the other two?

"I'm getting on to 22" was the reply.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Q: Do you know why when geese fly south in a V formation one side of the V is always longer then the other?
A: Well it's because there are more geese on that side then on the other.


Did I get anyone with that one?

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

It's this fireman that reached the third story window with his ladder, and sees a beautiful young blonde in a transparent negligee.
"Don't be afraid" said the fireman "We always save pregnant woman".
"Sir I'll have you know I'm not pregnant".
"I'll have you know your not saved yet".

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Sleeping the sleep of the just in his upper berth, the gentleman was awakened by a persistent tapping from below.
"Oh, Mr. Forsythe, are you awake?" asked the middle-aged lady in the berth below.
"I am now," he said groggily.
"It's frightfully cold down here, Mr Forsythe. I wonder if you would mind getting me a blanket."
"I've got a better idea, lady," he said. "Let's pretend we're married".
She giggled softly and said, "That sounds like a good idea".
"Good," said he, rolling over. "Now, go get your own damn blanket".

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Joe sat at his dying wife's bedside. Her voice was little more then a whisper.
"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make before I go....I....I'm the one who took the ten thousand dollars from your safe....I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. and it was I who forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported your income-tax evasion to the government..."
"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," answered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you".

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Natalie, a pretty but distraught model, took her troubles to a psychiatrist.
"Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time a man takes me out, I wind up in bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty and de-pressed all day long."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power."
"Heavens, NO!" exclaimed the model. "I want you to fix it so I don't feel guilty and depressed afterward."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names ...and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.
The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."
"Good morning," replied the young man -- still focused on the plaque.
"What is this?" Alex asked.
"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.
"Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Little Alex's voice was trembling .. and barely audible ... when he asked, "Which service? ... the 8:30 .... or the 11:00?"