jokes

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Q: What's the difference between a Boner and a Bonus?
A: There's a good chance your wife's gonna blow the bonus.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Q: What do near sighted gynecologists and bunny rabbits have in common?
A: Wet noses

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession. "Father, during World War II a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Enemy. I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son, and you have no need to confess."
"It's worse, Father. she started to repay me with sexual favors."
"You were both in great danger, two people together under those circumstances act that way. You are forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I have one more question."
"And what is that?"
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

In a trial, in a small SC town, a prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand. She was sworn in, asked if she would tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, on the Bible, so help her God.
She says "I do."
She was a proper well-dressed elderly lady, the grandmother type, well-spoken and poised. The prosecuting attorney approached the woman and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your wife, manipulate people and talk badly about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the sense to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pushing shyster. Yes, I know you quite well."
The lawyer was stunned. He couldn't even think for a few moments. Then, he slowly backed away, fearing the looks on the judge and jurors' faces, not to mention the court reporter who documented every word. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?
"She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, big-mouthed and has a bad drinking problem. The man can't build or keep a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. Yes, I know him."
The defense attorney almost fainted and was seen slipping downward in his chair, looking at the floor. Laughter mixed with gasps thundered throughout the court room and the audience was on the verge of chaos.
At this point, the judge brought the courtroom to silence, called both counselors to the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, "If either of you crooked bastards asks her if she knows me, you'll be thrown in jail for contempt. Is that clear?"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Ok, as your dog I want to state what can piss me off bigtime:

1. When you run away in the middle of a perfectly good leg humping.
2. Blaming your farts on me... not funny.
3. Yelling at me for barking... I’M A FRIGGIN’ DOG YOU IDIOT!!
4. How you naively believe that the stupid cat isn’t all over everything while you’re gone. (Have you noticed that your toothbrush tastes a little like cat?)
5. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. (Exactly whose walk is this anyway?)
6. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose.....stop it. I mean..........c'mon already!.
7. Yelling at me for rubbing my ass on your carpet. Why’d you buy carpet?
8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven’t quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
9. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look, we both know the truth, you’re just jealous.
10. Dog sweaters. Have you noticed my fur?
11. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you’re not home.
12. When you insist on picking up the piles in the yard. Do you realize how far behind schedule that puts me?
13. Taking me to the vet for “the big snip”, then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back there.
14. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. Wow, you fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
15. Invisible fences. Why do you insist on screwing with us?

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she
visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing
me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."
"This one's kind of strange..."
"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.
"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom
in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet;
when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."
"I see."
"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels
in the bowl."
"Uh-huh."
"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this
morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's
wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . .You're
simply going through the change."

For those of you who don't know the "change" is that she is officially becoming a butterfly, or maybe menopause. Hmm.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the
color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A man sat at a local bar and said, "This is a special day, I'm celebrating."

"What a coincidence," said the woman next to him. I'm celebrating, too" she replied, clinking glasses with him. "What are your celebrating?"

"I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"What a coincidence, the woman said. For my husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!

How did your chickens become fertile?" she asked.

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence," she said.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must just say, "I'm JANE Sugarbrown."

The next Sunday, the pastor spoke to her in Sunday School, asking, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?"

She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."