jokes

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Twin sisters in St.Luke's Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other. "Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
realized she has a prescription for birth control
pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING these that could
possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in
the
glass of orange juice that my 16 year old
granddaughter drinks...
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out.."
Five minutes later:
"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......
"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat.

She asked him if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the
nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on
the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in. One day,
Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence
stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!", he shouted in firm voice.
"Have you got a license for that thing?"
Ethel fished around in her handbag
and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
"OK" he said, and
away Ethel sped down the hall. As she took the corner near the TV lounge on
one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted, "STOP! Have
you got proof of insurance?"
Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink
coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said, "Carry on, ma'am." As
Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped
out in front of her, stark naked, holding a very sizable erection in his
hand. "Oh, Good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.
He decides to clean and serve the venison supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, won't eat it if they know what it is – so does not tell them


His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner?"

"You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.

"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint: Its what your mother sometimes calls me."

The girl suddenly screams at her little brother,
"Spit it out! It's asshole!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night.
They undress and step into the showers before they
realize there is no soap. Father John says he has
soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering
to dress.
He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and
heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the
hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having
freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his
manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look"
says the first nun, "its a soap dispenser." To test
her theory the second nun also pulls on his
manhood....sure enough he drops the second bar of
soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once,
then twice and three times but nothing happens. So
she gives several more tugs, then yells! "Mary,
Mother of God - Hand Lotion too!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Some T-shirt slogans:

- I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
- I work hard because: Millions on welfare depend on me!
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather....not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
- I took an IQ test: and the results were.. Negative.
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- I have a degree in liberal arts - Do you want fries with that?
- My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was
God and I didn't.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother,
daughter and grandmother.

One night the daughter came home looking very down.


"How did you get on tonight
Dear?" asked her mother.

"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"

"Good God!" said the Grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get
something warm in our stomachs!"