jokes

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

While, I was recovering from surgery and spending most of the day in bed, my
seven year old son asked me why I didn't get a boyfriend, since my husband
(his Dad) had run off. I told him the television is my new boyfriend, he
entertains me all the time. And, even though he sometimes doesn't start, I
just give it a few hard whacks on the side and it comes back on and I'm
happy as a lark for hours. He was satisfied with the explanation and walked
away.
Sunday the pastor stopped by to check on my recovery. My son answered the
door. The pastor smiled and asked, "Is your Mom busy, son?" My little one
looked up at him and replied, "Yes, sir, she's in the bedroom banging her
new boyfriend and once she gets him started, she'll be happy for hours!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A successful rancher died and left everything to
his devoted wife. She was a very good looking
woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very little about ranching, so she decided to place
an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the
other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it,
and when no one else applied, she decided to hire
the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have
him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long
hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For
weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was
doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the
ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick
up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and
went into town one Saturday night. However, one
o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and
no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and
found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He did.
"Now take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
Now," she said, "take off my panties."
He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

An Irish girl went to London to work as a secretary and began sending home
money and gifts to her parents. After a few
years they asked her to come home for a visit, as her elderly father was
getting frail and very hard of hearing.
She pulled up to the family home in a Rolls Royce and stepped out wearing
diamonds and a full-length fur coat. As she
walked into the house her father said, "Hmmm--they seem to be paying
secretaries awfully well in London these days."
The girl took his hands and said "Dad--I've been meaning to tell you
something for years but I didn't want to put it in a
letter. Obviously I can't hide it from you any longer. I've become a
prostitute."
Her father gasped, put his hand on his chest and keeled over. The doctor was
called but the old man had clearly lost the will to live. He was put to bed
and the priest was called.
As the priest administered the Last Rites with the mother and daughter
weeping and wailing nearby, the old man muttered weakly, "I'm a
goner--killed by my own daughter! Killed by the shame of what she's become!"
"Please forgive me," his daughter sobbed, "I only wanted to have nice
things! I wanted to send you money and the only way
I could do it was by becoming a prostitute."
Brushing the priest aside, the old man sat bolt upright in bed, smiling.
"Did you say PROSTITUTE ?? I thought you said PROTESTANT!!

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden,
he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you
one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous
challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the
bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it,
but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a
little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor
and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish
that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what
they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what
they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new
chief samurai warrior. Only three applied for the job:
a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opening a tiny
box and released a fly. He drew his sword and, Swish!
The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.

The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box,
releasing a fly. He drew his sword. Swish!Swish! The
fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

No.3 samurai stepped forward, released the fly, and
drew his sword. SWOOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword
created a gust of wind. The fly let out a high-pitched
sound, but comtinued to fly around.

"What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor."The
fly isn't even dead."

"Dead schmead," replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is
easy. Now, circumcision.... that takes skill!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the
University of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much
would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, then replied... "Everything but my
earrings."


You know, as a UT student you'd think I might be offended, but the girls here are easy, that's just how it is.

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

In the days of the Wild West, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.
Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West in his day.
The young cowboy took the seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. "Do you think you could give me some tips?" he asked.
The old man looked him up and down and said, "Well, for one thing you're wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a lil' lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Sure will." said the old-timer.
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.
"That's terrific!" said the cowboy, "Got any more tips for me?"
"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the younger man.
"You bet it will," said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.
"Wow!" said the cowboy. "I'm learning' somethin' here. Got any more tips?"
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it."
The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
"No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.
"Nope." said the old timer, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playin' the piano, he's going to shove that gun right up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks-one in each hand and
one under his left arm.
He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the
bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the
animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the
restroom.
Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks.
After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation.
"What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all
day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?".
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Fred comes home after a hard day's work at the pickle factory and announces to his wife that he's developed a terrible sexual compulsion; he wants to stick his dick in the pickle slicer. His wife suggests he see a sex therapist, but he says he's too embarrassed. He promises to sort his problem out himself ...
A few weeks later, Fred comes home ashen-faced. His wife can see he's seriously upset.
'What's wrong?' asks the wife.
'Well ... you know that urge I had to stick my dick in the pickle slicer...'
'Oh, My God!' says his wife, 'What happened?!'
'I got fired' says Fred. His wife unzips him and, to her surprise, finds his dick still intact. Astonished, she asks 'What happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh,' says Fred, 'She got fired too.'

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

"A man without a wife is like a fish without a bicycle"