jokes

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most
unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long Black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet
behind the first. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.
Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog.
"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in
single file.Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
"What happened to her?"
The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Join the queue"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

90 year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back
with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great
physically, how are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace
with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?"
George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's
fixed
it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom,
the light goes on when I pee, and then (Poof!) the Light goes off when I'm
done."
"Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "that's incredible!"
A little later in
the day Dr. Smith called George's wife.
"Thelma," he said, "George is just
fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his
relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and
(Poof!) the light goes on in the bathroom, and then (Poof!) the light goes
off?"
"That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?"
the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.
"6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?"
"Yeah, my first blowjob."
"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

80-year-old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's
in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car--both could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I
could have sworn we just went through a red light".
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light
was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger
seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned
that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very
close attention to the road and the next intersection.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know
you went three red lights in a row...you could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit, am I driving?"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

A young boy had been taken for his first visit to a nudist camp by his
parents. He was surprised at the different sizes of the male organs and
mentioned it to his father. The father, being rather well endowed, explained
that it was a measure of intelligence, the big ones being smart and the
small ones being dumb.
That afternoon the father was looking for his wife and asked his son if he
had seen his mother. "I saw her about ten minutes ago, She was with a real dumb man, but he
seemed to be getting smarter every minute."

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

Clyde decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde
"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you or did you not say 'I'm fine' at the scene of
the accident?"
Clyde said, "Well, yes, but I had just got
Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to
establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told
the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now
several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde 's answer
and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about
his favorite mule, Bessie."
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, like I was saying,
I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was
driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and
trailer ran the stop sign> and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"About that time a Highway Patrolman came on the scene.
He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over
to her. "After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her
between the eyes.
"Then the Patrolman came across the road with
his gun in his hand and looked at me and said,
'And,how are you feeling?'"

[TinyHandsTinyKnots]

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"
"There's something wrong with my penis," he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office
and say things like that."
"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.
The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment
in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something
and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."
The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"
"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"
"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

[napalm]

thats an ass load of jokes

[General Lee]

I wonder why there hasn't been any jokes posted in a while, maybe its because Anthony's source ran out.